I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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