I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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