hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
