I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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