I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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