please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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