im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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