I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
