plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
