You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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