wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
