My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
i think i just lost a toe
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
