i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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