highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the day after is always just damage control
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
