My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
