i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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