I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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