I will die if light touches me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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