you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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