That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
