I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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