Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
