while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
