I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
