I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
