During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
