Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
