you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
