Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
