neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
