You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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