Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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