The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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