I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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