Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
