Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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