I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
