I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
