My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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