I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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