she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
