mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
