youre lurking in front of me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
