I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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