My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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