i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
