Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I touched a dick in church today
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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