i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
