she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
