I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
